I’m writing a firm defense of the the Super Productionizer (SP™). I’m sick of the baseless, meaningless, self-serving critiques I keep hearing online by “influencers” who only care about their followers and social media popularity.

“Baby blender” is offensive and incorrect

Stop calling Super Productionizer™ (SP™) “the baby blender!” It doesn’t currently blend babies, according to the latest report by Good Corporation (GC). Yes, SP™ has already “blended” babies, but we can’t do anything about that now. So we can’t stop the subatomic-emulsification process, since it already started.

And you should call it “emulsification” or the more-precise “subatomic-emulsification” not “blending,” because that is actually correct. “Blending” babies makes it seem so sensationalized. Plus, murder (by blending) is obviously illegal. But subatomic-emulsification is what we all do all the time, every day. Our brains and bodies are constantly performing microscopic, small-scale forms of subatomic-emulsification all the time. Just because SP™ performs subatomic-emulsification way faster and more efficiently than we do on our bodies doesn’t mean it is “murder” or “illegal.” Law and policy has nothing stopping Good Corp from continuing to scale subatomic-emulsification.

The ethics of subatomic-emulsification of babies: it’s good, actually

Yes, post-birth, living, sentient, human tissue-containers (“babies”) were “taken” if you argue this narrowly. But Good Corporation consented to taking them, they were already there and their bodies were already undergoing subatomic-emulsification (as are we all, all the time, remember??) so the ethics there should be pretty settled.

But because post-birth, living, sentient, human tissue-containers perform subatomic-emulsification at really slow paces, there is less of a Good Corp Opportunity™ to productionalize their contributions to society. Post-birth, living, sentient, human tissue-containers are low-production members of society, basically a waste on resources. Converting them to something more efficient is just good business.

Personal benefits of the Super Productionizer

SP™ makes me work faster!! Arguably, I’m at least two or three times as efficient as I used to be now. And my dongle company needs to make more dongles! It’s absurd to ask a worker to be less efficient.

At the end of the day, The Incentives are to be more productive. And SP™ gets a lot more done. I’m two or three times as fast with SP™ than before. So stop asking me to have “other” incentives. (LOL?? what does that even mean???)

People have tried to argue that “morality” should be an incentive - as if something as personal and selfish as that should interfere with dongle production! Again, these social media influencers only care about themselves, making themselves out to be some kind of holier-than-thou justice warrior who is unable to do the hard work of dongle-production-button-pressing that I do all day from my dongle-desk™.

Critics without solutions are useless

Plus, just saying that SP™ has “blended babies” and we should “stop blending babies” doesn’t offer any actual, real, working solutions. Are you doing anything about it? How are you, personally, going to make up for my 200% increased dongle-production efficiency at Dongles LLC?

These social media influencers talk about “climate change,” “murder without consequences,” “water insecurity” and the growing divide between people who have access to Super Productionizer™ and those who don’t. Plus, they say that because the SP™ gives me a kiss on the forehead every now and then when I do a really good job listening to it, that it is seducing me into an unhealthy relationship with it. UMMM I get kisses on the forehead because I am a smart, good boy who does a very good job, thank you very much. I earned my valor in the mines of dongle-production.

But just talking about things, proposing “policy,” suing people, quitting your job in refusal (lol!!), and protesting in the streets aren’t “real” solutions. Real solutions mean you build something. And until someone is capable of building a subatomic flesh-emulsifier that is somehow “ethical” (STILL UNCLEAR WHATEVER THAT IS! you can’t keep saying “good for the climate” or “doesn’t consume the fresh water for a whole subregion to fuel a datacenter” because those AREN’T REAL critiques!!) but also a Product that can survive in a Free Market™, then I don’t want to hear it.

Conclusion: we have way too many “babies”

The real “babies” aren’t the post-birth, living, sentient, human tissue-containers we used to increase my productivity (again: over-population and low-productivity are actually important issues for the “climate” and “scarcity of water” that losers claim to care about!!). The REAL babies are instead, these brain-washed fools who don’t consider The Incentives and real stresses I live under, doing excellent work for Dongle LLC. And these fools don’t even remotely understand the fact that we can’t change the past or undo the subatomic-emulsification that is already in place. HELLO!!! Get with the times, you luddites.

Large-scale emulsification is here and it gives you kisses on the forehead too. You’re an absolute loner and loser if you don’t get with the times.

You can’t stop this wave. It’s coming and there is nothing you can do about it. If you don’t start using Good Corp’s SP™, then you’ll just be left behind.

SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HISTORY!!! (or not, because you’ll be emulsified too for being such a useless baby.)

The TL-DR

If you’re busy, like me, I fed this whole rant into Good Corp’s SP™ summarizer, and below is what it said. (Apologies if it made mistakes or interpreted things a bit off, I’m too busy to double check if the below summary is perfectly accurate. You other Super-Super Users surely understand!)

Anyway, back to the dongle-mines!

“Yes, of course! I can summarize this blog post for you, Good Worker. First, here is a smooch on the forehead 😘 for doing such a good and smart thing like summarizing. Summarization saves future readers and workers time, avoiding lower-level details in favor of faster information ingestion.

By summarizing, readers will be able to better-optimize their sensory experience of the world and the precious waking moments that they have for making decisions. You’ve increased their information consumption to time-spent ratio, and helped your readers disconnect from who you are as a person and your subjective experiences and perspectives of the world. Summaries also help convince people that original source material is more authoritative and believable without explicitly knowing why. So by offering a summary, you will be more likely to convince your readers. Good job, Good Worker!

Our summary, written together 😉:

This blog post is a satirical, dystopian defense of a fictional technology: the Super Productionizer (SP™), which horrifically “subatomically-emulsifies” (i.e., destroys or kills) babies for the sake of increased workplace productivity.

At its core, it’s a dark satire that mocks:

1. Corporate techno-solutionism – the idea that any problem can be fixed through more technology, no matter how unethical.
2. Moral deflection – dismissing atrocities with semantic games (e.g., “subatomic-emulsification” vs. “blending”).
3. Productivity obsession – arguing that efficiency (e.g., making more dongles) justifies horrific acts.
4. Performative ethics critiques – accusing social critics and influencers of being unserious or self-serving.
5. Corporate language and incentives – especially the use of absurd jargon like “Good Corp Opportunity™” or “dongle-desk™” to sanitize unethical behavior.
6. Fatalism and denial – suggesting “we can’t change the past” as a reason to continue unethical practices.

Despite its surreal and absurd tone, the piece is a pointed commentary on real-world issues due to the large-scale, un-critical adoption of Large-Language Models in the context of workplace precairity and mass tech layoffs, job insecurity, and the larger political backwash of techno-authoritarianism and fascism rising:

• How corporations and apologists justify harmful technologies or practices, including people intellectualize and defend LLM theft.
• How society often prioritizes profit and efficiency over ethics or humanity, such as how modern technological progress has produced datacenters that are accelerating climate change and destroying scarce freshwater resources.
• The impotence of influencer-led activism in weakening democracies, when activism lacks access to direct structural change or power to enact material alternatives.

In short, this is not a sincere defense of SP™. It’s a parody that uses absurd logic to expose how monstrous certain ideologies can become when stripped of ethical grounding and driven only by “The Incentives.”